I only kidnapped one of them. chill
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
