A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
