I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
