Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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