I'm gonna have a badass scar
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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