In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
