I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
