This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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