I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
