my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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