I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
