i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
