Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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