Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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