I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
