oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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