oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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