Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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