You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im about as happy as oj after his trial
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
