You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
