Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
