...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
