I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
