Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
