I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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