I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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