he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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