i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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