my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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