I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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