I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
