Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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