I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
