Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
