I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
