i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
