Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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