o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
