why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
