i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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