I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
