walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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