You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
