If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i was born a porn star she said
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
