dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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