Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
