just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
