Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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