I met the friendliest cop last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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