remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
